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ABCDs of On-Demand Writing

Juvenile Justice Persuasive Essay Prompt

“Last month in Sacramento, a fifteen-year-old Yuba City youth who reportedly claimed he was mimicking a TV program about little girls who rob a bank was given a 26-years-to-life prison term. Tried as an adult, Thomas A. Preciado was fourteen when he stabbed to death a minimart clerk.

In April, Court TV will air live daily coverage of the trial of Nathaniel Brazill, now fourteen, charged as an adult with first-degree murder. Brazill was thirteen and already in trouble for throwing water balloons when he returned to his Lake Worth, Fla., middle school and shot to death an English teacher, who would not let him say good-bye to two girls on the final day of classes.

This is not to say that the boys’ crimes were not heinous, or that they should go unpunished. No one’s talking about coddling here. But the zeal to corral wildly troubled, ever-younger kids and ram them through the adult system belies everything the juvenile justice system is all about: that kids are different. Their reasoning is not fully developed.

They are not adults.”

---Adapted from Marjie Lundstrom’s “Kids Are Kids—Until They Commit Crimes

The Sacramento Bee, March 1, 2001

Writing Directions:

Explain Lundstrom’s argument and discuss the way in which you agree or disagree with her analysis and conclusion. Support your position, providing reasons and examples from Lord of the Flies, other readings, and your own experiences or observations.

If you were absent 11/9, you need this outline!

Deciphering the Prompt

1. Read through the writing prompt. What is the general topic?

2. Read the “Writing Directions.” Underline the words that suggest what kind of writing you are being asked to do. For example, “tell a story,” “explain” or “convince.”

3. Reread the excerpt from Lundstrom. Find and underline the parts, which suggest her opinion.

Persuasive Outline for Juvenile Justice Essay

Introduction

Explain Lundstrom’s argument:_____________________________________________

______________________________________________________________________

Agree or disagree with her analysis and conclusion (thesis): _______________________________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________________________

The prompt tells you to: Support your position….

Present Counter Argument One

A reason that the other side would be likely to give: Some people might argue that ____________________________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________________________

Topic sentence/ your reason: However, this is wrong/ incorrect/ insignificant etc because __________

________________________________________________________________________

Concrete detail

Commentary

Present Counter Argument Two

A reason that the other side would be likely to give: Some people might argue that ____________________________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________________________

Topic sentence/ your reason: However, this is wrong/ incorrect/ insignificant etc because __________

________________________________________________________________________

Concrete detail

Commentary

Present a Reason Why Your Argument is Right

Topic sentence explaining why your thesis is right: ______________________________

________________________________________________________________________

Concrete detail

Commentary

Concrete detail

Commentary

Present Your Strongest Reason

Topic sentence explaining why your thesis is right: ______________________________

________________________________________________________________________

Concrete detail

Commentary

Concrete detail

Commentary

Paragraph five: Conclusion

Restate thesis in a new way: ________________________________________________

________________________________________________________________________

A final, memorable line, which calls your audience to take action: ________________________________________________________________________

Reviewing your Outline

1. Check your outline to see if you have done what the prompt asked you to do.
1. Did you Explain Lundstrom’s argument?

2. Did you agree or disagree with her analysis and conclusion?

3. Did you support your position, providing reasons?

4. Did you support your argument, providing examples from Lord of the Flies, other readings, and your own experiences and observations?

2. Read over the rubric and if you imagine that you did nothing more than rewrite what you currently have on your outline, predict a score for each category.
1. Position: _______
2. Organization and coherence: ________
3. Elaboration:________

3. Now read the descriptors to the left of the score you gave yourself and determine what you could do to improve your chances of getting a higher score.
1. What one thing could you do as you turn your outline into an essay in order to get a better score on position?

2. What one thing could you do to get a better score on organization and coherence?

3. What one thing could you do to get a better score on elaboration?

The Simpsons Parody of Lord of the Flies

AVID FIELD TRIPPERS

While you were gone, we learned about complex sentences.  You can pick up the two new handouts in the black box.  We also reviewed chapter 7, which I'm sure you already know well.  Then we started chapter 8. 

For Monday, you need to:
-Read chapter 8 and write a short response (like what you did for chapter 6, only this time 2 paragraphs instead of 3).
-Read in preparation for your literature circle meeting.

Poetry that relates to Lord of the Flies

As you work on your mask, you might consider the following poem.

 Paul Laurence Dunbar (1872-1906)
              We Wear the Mask

    WE wear the mask that grins and lies,
    It hides our cheeks and shades our eyes,—
    This debt we pay to human guile;
    With torn and bleeding hearts we smile,
    And mouth with myriad subtleties.
    Why should the world be over-wise,
    In counting all our tears and sighs?
    Nay, let them only see us, while
            We wear the mask.
    We smile, but, O great Christ, our cries
    To thee from tortured souls arise.
    We sing, but oh the clay is vile
    Beneath our feet, and long the mile;
    But let the world dream otherwise,
            We wear the mask!

If you are interested in a reward, please consider posting your thoughts on the poem in the comments section. You might answer any of the following:
1. What does it mean?
2. What do you know about the speaker and how do you know it?
3. What do you observe about the style of the poem?
4. How does the style of the poem relate to the meaning of the poem?
5. How does the poem relate to Lord of the Flies?
6. How does it relate to you?
7.  Can you find any other poems that relate to the book?  If so post them and explain.
2.

Roger's A2 reading resopnse model with commnets

Roger’s A2 class

Chapter 5 Reading Response

Big Ideas (Good- Wow)

            It is likely that the group will fall apart and split because of the way they are acting right now. Evidence shows that Ralph and Jack, two of the older kids, are the leaders and they are growing apart from each other. Ralph wants to be serious, and he is upset that no one is following through on his word. During the night meeting, Jack yells at Ralph, “And you shut up! Who are you, anyway? Sitting there telling people what to do. You can’t hunt, you can’t sing—”(   ).  Jack is questioning Ralph’s authority. A lot of the other kids follow Jack because he is the hunting leader, and he want to have fun. The boys’ unity is breaking apart.

What’s good?

•  compound sentence
• shows that they read and understood the differences between the two boys
• integrated quotation
• quotation is well chosen to prove the topic point

What could be improved?

• no page number
• could say more about why they think the groups will "split"
• could have said something about Jack's insecurities
• might have said more about what motivates each boy
• vocab

Character (good- okay)

            The character Ralph seems to have changed in chapter 5 because towards the beginning of the book he didn’t respect Piggy’s ideas. Piggy kept quiet, and kept his ideas to himself, but during this chapter, Ralph seems to gain more respect for Piggy enabling him to feel more comfortable, and allowing him to speak out. For example, in chapter five when Piggy wants to speak out, he grabs the conch without hesitation, and speaks his mind, especially during the meeting in Chapter 5 when the narrator says, “Piggy tip-toes into the triangle, his ineffectual protest made, and joined the others” (79).

What’s good?

• Shows that they understood the characters and did the reading
• nicely integrated quotation
• great vocabulary

What could be improved?

• Said "chapter 5" too many times 
• needed commentary to explain the quotation.  It sounded weird and abrupt to end with a quotation
• Is the paragraph about Ralph or Piggy?
• The quote doesn't really prove the topic sentence

Analysis of a Critical Line (okay)

When the author writes, “Only, decided Ralph as he faced the chief’s seat, I can’t think. Not like Piggy” (78), it is important to the development of the conflict in the book. Ralph is beginning to realize that being leader isn’t that easy. He also realizes that he isn’t capable and smart enough to be the leader because he doesn’t have the brains that Piggy has. Piggy is smart and a good thinker and better suited to be a leader in that way.

What’s good?

•  the first sentence
• the quotation is nicely integrated
• smooth to read

What could be improved?

•  no analysis of word choice or style- example: How does "Not like Piggy" being a sentence fragment impact the feeling?  Why does Ralph "face the chief's seat" while he thinks?
• needs more evidence
• could explain why P would be better than R
• underdeveloped argument
• too many "and"

Author’s Style (needs improvement)

            The author uses “The Beast” as a symbol to represent fear because as the kids’ fear grows so does their belief in “The Beast”. During the assembly, the kids start to talk about things they’ve seen in their nightmares and in the dark, things such as dark figures in the dead of night and scary sounds.

What’s good?

•  interesting idea
• strong, clear first sentence
• insightful

What could be improved?

• needs evidence to prove their point
• what about bigguns?
• just needs more more more

 

Sample Responses & Feedback to LF Chapter 5

Ms. Rogers' A2 class responds to Ms. Ohana's A4 class.
Comments follow each paragraph.

Chapter 5 Reading Responses

I. Big Ideas

The central conflict of chapter five is that everyone is not working together to get rescued. When Ralph calls a meeting he argues, “we have lots of assemblies. Everybody enjoys speaking and being together. We decide things. But they don’t get done…” (pg.79). Throughout the chapter the meeting goes Ralph argues that everyone is not working together to make shelter, keep fresh water, and keep the fire going which was essential for their rescue. Another important topic that is covered is “the beast” that the littluns are fearing. When a littlun tells Jack about the beast Jack quotes, “ He says the beast comes out of the sea”(pg. 88). Nobody believes him, but in reality all are in fear. All are wondering whether they are to be rescued or not. Ralph begins to question his leadership when he starts to feel unsure and fearful of what is to come.

What’s good about this paragraph?

· Description of Ideas

· Seems to have read

· Strong insight

· Integrating passages

· Attempted commentary

What could be improved?

· Having a clear focus (If paragraph were focused on FEAR, for instance, the writing would likely have been stronger because fear was a big part of the chapter)

II. Character

The author wrote “he found himself understanding the wearisomeness of this life, where every path with an improvisation and a considerable part of one’s waking life was spent watching one’s feet” (76), because Ralph has understood what is going on and is trying to do his best to be chief. The character Ralph seems to have changed in this chapter because he has become more mature about the events that have happened. That is why he has called an assembly with the other boys to set them all straight and to take this situation seriously.

What’s good about this paragraph?

· Able to integrate the passages

What could be improved?

· Vague understanding of the reading

III. Analysis of a Critical Line

When the author writes about Ralph thinking while walking on the beach. It’s important to the development of the character Ralph, because it shows his full thought process. The author describes Ralph’s adult- like thought process with, “he found himself understand the wearisome of this life, where every path was an improvisation and a considerable part of one’s waking life was spent watching one’s feet”(76). This shows Ralph thinking in depth on his daily life, and using his newfound adult thoughts. Ralph has turned into a responsible, thoughtful, smart, respectable man. This occurred because he was forced to take on responsibilities and act as an adult and father to these kids.

What’s good about this paragraph?

· Focused!

· Conclusion

· Integrating passages

What could be improved?

· Fragments (complete sentences)

· What it means to be an adult vs. a child.

IV. Author’s Style

the title of the chapter “Beast From Water” is significant because the boys think that the beast could be from the water. While discussing where the beast comes from or what the beast is, Jack says, referring to Percival’s statement, “He says the beast comes out from the sea” (88). When Ralph looks toward the lagoon they see a black, humped figure against the lagoon. Behind the lagoon’s the sea adding to their theory of the beast existing in the sea Maurice says, “Daddy said that they haven’t found all the animals in the sea yet.” explaining that the unknown (beast) could be out there. Since the boys cannot prove that the beast lives in the sea it makes it scarier, no one knows if the beast was real or not.

What’s good about this paragraph?

· Commentary at end of the paragraph

· Integrated quotation

What could be improved?

· NEEDS TOPIC SENTENCE that has opinion, right now the obvious is stated

· Mostly summary until the end of paragraph

· Explore issue of fear that is mentioned at the end of the paragraph—interesting ideas that could make a strong, interpretive, paragraph

Jingle Challenge

Take your favorite (or most annoying) jingle, song or theme song and rewrite the words, so that it's about one of the aspects of grammar that we've studied. (parts of speech, simple sentences, compound sentences, phrases, clauses....)

Here is an example of one about proof reading that my son and I wrote to theme song for Sponge Bob:
Who puts a period after every sentence?
Harbor Pirates!  Harbor Pirates!
Who puts a capital at the start of every one?
Harbor Pirates!  Harbor Pirates!
So re-read your work
and get it all right!
Harbor Pirates!  Harbor Pirates!
Edit it!  Edit it!

Please post anything you come up with... a reward awaits you (something more than just an increased understanding of the thing you sing about)
-Ohana

Lord of the Flies Computer Game

I'm not kidding!  You really can tell your parents that you're studying, while playing a video game.  Check this out!

Internet Access

To those of you who send late night or weekend emails, I currently have very spotty internet access from home, so please don't freak out if you don't get a reply.  Instead, try to communicate with me during school hours.  Thanks,
Ms. Ohana

Free Online Copy of Lord of the Flies

If you forgot your book in your locker, you can still do the reading.  It is available online for free.

Lord of the Flies Quiz

This is a reminder of the chapter 1-3 quiz scheduled for Weds.  I strongly suggest using the study question included in an earlier blog post in order to review for the quiz.

Map of Island